The Beautiful Groan

Criticised even when the other English sides out-Arsenal’d Arsenal

Oct 022011

For a variety of time constraint reasons that I won’t go into, this blog has been somewhat neglected of late. The most frustrating thing is that I’ve only had time to write after matches that have gone badly – Newcastle, United, Blackburn, yet every time we’ve won a match, I haven’t been around to pen anything.

Last weekend, before the victory over Bolton, I said on Twitter that you could thank me for our upcoming victory, because I knew I’d have no time to write about it afterwards, so clearly we would win. The bad news is that I will be able to comment on this afternoon’s derby. Uh oh, indeed.

I’ll get to the Spurs game later, but I want to take a quick look back at the last fortnight, and comment on the frankly hilarious portrayals in the press. Now, before I start, let me state that I understand the way the media works. They are not looking to be fair, to be reasonable or to avoid offending people. They are looking to sell papers, and right now stories about Arsenal being in crisis sell papers, just like equivalent columns on Liverpool did this time last year. So there is a natural slant to many pieces (not all – I can understand the frustration of those in the press that do aim to be fair), but sometimes the agenda is so painfully obvious that you can only laugh.

Take the Carling Cup game. We attracted a ‘mere’ 46359 people to a home game against a side three divisions below us. Yes, it was the lowest attendance at the Emirates, but frankly that is only because our attendances are always so high. The Sun and Sky Sports tried to make an enormous deal about this ‘disastrous‘ figure, one that was still higher than any other in the round. When the ‘fanatical’ City fans failed to sell out their smaller stadium in their first ever home Champions League tie, what did we hear? That’s right, nothing.

That one made me chuckle, but the Champions League reports just flat out irritated me. The comparison between the write-ups for United and Arsenal were baffling – we played the weakest side in our group at home, went 2-0 up, then relaxed, let them back into it at 2-1, but held on for the win. United also played the weakest side in their group at home, also went 2-0 up and also relaxed and let their opposition back in. However, they conceded three times before grabbing a late equaliser.

Net result? We were ‘wobbly and unconvincing‘ while they ‘showed the hallmark resilience of champions‘. Give me strength.

Arsenal were the only English side to win in the Champions League this week, not that you would have known it from the press, but what struck me the most is how the other three fell into the exact traps that we have become accustomed to witnessing Arsenal plummet into. Take a read of these and see if they sounds at all familiar:

United – played great football and controlled the game before getting complacent, making silly defensive mistakes and letting the opposition back in. Urgency only shown at the end of the game when losing. [Arsenal of the last 18 months - great going forward, terrible in defence]

Chelsea – dominated the game, missed a hatful of chances before conceding a stupid and unnecessary late equaliser. [Arsenal of the last four years]

City – insipid performance away from home in Europe, ravaged with indiscipline (Arsenal of the late 90s, early 2000s)

Essentially, each of the three took Arsenal’s collective flaws of the last ten years, rolled them into a package and barfed out a disappointing result. And all three were praised – United for their resilience, Chelsea for creating so many opportunities, and City for the way they handled the Tevez affair. Meanwhile Arsenal, the only English winners, were ripped from pillar to post.

As I said, I understand the media slant, and the reasons behind it. Expecting it to change in the short term is unrealistic. But it would be nice if there were reports on the match itself, rather than how the match could be spun to fit preconceived agendas and ideas. Because frankly, that gets pretty tiresome.

All of which brings me neatly to this afternoon. Spurs, the Sky Sports darlings (probably because of the endless interviews ‘arry gives – seriously, does he spend any time with his squad?) are the pre-match favourites, a fact that was amusing me greatly while they were a goal down to part-timers Shamrock Rovers on Thursday night, and we are, of course, in ‘disarray’. We certainly have issues – the continuing injuries to Vermaelen, Koscielny and Djourou mean that Song will again partner Mertesacker at the back, while Gervinho’s absence means the woefully out of form Arshavin will surely get another chance, but I would be very interested to see how an Arsenal win would be reported.

Right now, Spurs are the chosen ‘free ride’ club. I’m not sure quite why, but you’ll struggle to find negative stories about them anywhere, and we have very much taken Liverpool’s ‘disaster club’ mantle. So how would they react to a convincing away victory?

I don’t honestly think we will get that resounding win, because nothing is ever comfortable in these games anymore. But last season’s pair of fixtures were painful in the extreme, and we owe them.

Time to deliver. Come on Arsenal.

Blackburn 4-3 Arsenal: It seems Yazz was right all along

Matches 13 Responses »

Sep 182011

Blackburn 4 (Yakubu 25, 59, Song og 50, Koscielny og 68) Arsenal 3 (Gervinho 10, Arteta 34, Chamakh 85)
(Premiership)

I actually thought we had run out of inventive, hilarious for the rest of the league, ways of losing football matches. Call this Arsenal team what you want – they are a creative bunch.

The irony is that the day started well. Blackburn were busy holding a fan protest, something that rings a bell with many of our own, and we knew it would not take much to make them lose their belief. An early goal should have done the trick, and it duly arrived when Gervinho applied a neat finish to Song’s delightful through ball. The Ivorian had come under undue fire for a lack of end product (I say undue because he had played just four games before this, and in those set up a critical goal in Italy, amongst other chances), so it was good to see him open his account and seemingly set us on the path to another victory, against one of the few sides playing with less confidence than us.

Then came the first warning. After battering Blackburn in the early stages, they scored, Hoilett (their best player by a country mile) slipping in Yakubu, whose absurdly early effort caught Szczesny off guard. A wake up call, perhaps, and after a shaky five minutes we re-established control and regained the lead, with a fine move involving Song (again) and Ramsey, and ending with Arteta calmly sweeping into the roof of the net. That was it until half time, although the lead should have been doubled shortly before the break when Gervinho unwisely chose to shoot with Van Persie placed for a tap in. It was to be a costly mistake.

Blackburn went up a gear in the second half, although you could hardly call their performance testing. I tried to make the point on Twitter that they actually didn’t earn their way back into the game, rather we handed them goals on a silver platter, and the second equaliser illustrated the point perfectly. Arshavin was harshly judged to have committed a foul, presenting them with the sort of free kick from which they usually thrive. But rather than whipping in a dangerous ball, a pathetic chip came into the box, the likes of which rarely threaten pub footballers. But no-one cut it out, and the ball bounced off Song’s shins and dribbled into the net. It was abject in every way, and while Blackburn were fortunate to get the goal, we cannot claim to have been unlucky, so easy should it have been to clear the damn thing.

It soon got worse. Szczesny pulled off a superb save to keep the game level, but it only delayed the inevitable. When the goal came, Yakubu was clearly offside from Nzonzi’s shot, and that the linesman couldn’t see it given that the Nigerian had been standing stock still beyond the last defender for a few seconds is baffling, but although it was poor officiating, to blame to goal solely on the lack of a flag would be missing the point somewhat. The reality is that half of the defence had stepped up, two had stayed back, and both were behind Yakubu, unable to influence proceedings in any way. Had he been onside, the goal would have been as simple. It was exceptionally poor.

The fourth, when it came, was the sprout flavoured icing on the rotten cake, Olsson running half the length of the pitch before crossing to no-one. No-one, that is, except for Koscielny, who conspired to turn in our second own goal of the day and prompt language not heard in roughly three weeks. Self-destruction is an art form we have perfected in style, and for nineteen clubs in the league, it is terrific viewing.

The minutes ticked away, and on came Chamakh, hardly the most inspirational of potential rescuers, but the Moroccan proved us wrong, getting between two defenders to power home a superb header from Van Persie’s cross, and with five minutes to go we sensed another of our famed 4-4 draws. We should have got the point too, but first Mertesacker and then Chamakh missed glorious headed chances and the points were gone.

Despite the carnage, there were bright points, although they were heavily outweighed by the frailties that have derailed the start to what could be a very long season. Song was superb in the first half, Gervinho bright, Ramsey clever, and Arshavin showed flashes of the form that enthralled us in his first few months at the club. Chamakh also showed power and presence after coming on, traits long missed. And of course, we scored three good goals, which should have been enough to take all three points.

That it wasn’t was due to the embarrassment of the other end. Koscielny, so strong against Dortmund, continued his inconsistent tendencies with a shaky display, and Sagna had one of his worst games in an Arsenal shirt before coming off injured (which may be mitigation, in fairness). Santos was decent enough on an individual level, but his unfamiliarity with the rest of the defence was clear, with his positioning often being well away from the back line, while Mertesacker similarly struggled for position. We can only hope that with time and organisation, they will merge into a cohesive unit, but while time will be afforded, where will the organisation come from? Without Vermaelen, we lack that leadership at the back, and while the big German should add something in that regard, he can hardly give positioning instructions while still trying to find his own feet.

In front of them, Song’s second half was as poor as his first was superb, but the most distressing was the sight of poor Djourou, stuck at full back after Sagna’s withdrawal. Booked minutes after coming on after being easily turned, he looked like a novice for the rest of the match, and his one attempt at a cross (which went out for a goal kick less than half the distance between him and the post) was nothing short of humiliating. It is hard to believe that this is the same character who excelled for the first half of last season, so abject has he been since. At 24, he should be stepping up, but his career is drifting aimlessly, and no-one better symbolises our current malaise.

There is no doubt that there are serious problems with this Arsenal team. Personnel come and go, but we defend in the same disorganised, haphazard way. When you look at the individuals, their credentials all stack up, but as a unit something is seriously lacking, and while people can talk all they like about who should have been signed, it isn’t a matter of changing the names, but a case of changing the unity. Whenever you hit a brick wall in any walk of life, you should alter something, and perhaps calls for a new defensive coach are well founded. Shearer, Hansen and co can talk all they like about the need for Cahill and Samba, but the latter was shite today, frankly, and Cahill’s Bolton look every bit as defensively abject as us. We have the talent, but defend as individuals, and that never stands up in the long run.

That said, kindly stop the nonsense about us being in a relegation battle. I don’t take those suggestions any more seriously than I took similar assertions that Liverpool were locked in a battle to avoid the drop this time last year. Overreactionary dribble that should be left to the worst of the tabloids and the annoying pissed bloke in the pub who shouts above all others.

However, some sort of reassessment is in order. Make no mistake about it, we are in a battle for fourth, and we should be looking at the results of Liverpool and Spurs before caring about those of Chelsea, City and United. The most relevant match of Sunday’s programme will not be the big clash at Old Trafford, but the collision of our two major rivals for fourth at White Hart Lane. Sad but true.

The bare facts of the season so far are painful. Our goal difference is already 23 behind United, after a combined nine games, while having the worst defensive record in the division. But despite all of that, the fact remains that we have dropped 11 points, with 99 still to play for. You cannot throw in the towel after five games, and while a title challenge is surely out of the question, fourth is still perfectly attainable. That is now the aim, whether you like it or not.

Personally, I hate making that admission so early in the season. But we are where we are, and there is only one way to go from here. If you didn’t get that song reference from the title then congratulations. It was a crap song anyway.

Onward. Plenty of games in the next few weeks. They can’t all be this crap.

Transfer business is being spun to suit preconceived ideas

Analysis, Arsenal News, Transfers 31 Responses »

Sep 012011

Yesterday was something of a rarity – a transfer deadline day with not only action, but action of the spectacular kind. Of course it was required, but few of us actually believed that significant numbers would come through the door. I said earlier in the week that we needed three players, at a minimum – a centre back, a creative central midfielder and a striker. I also said that we needed a left back, but the chances of signing three players were slim, let alone four, so it would not be a surprise to see someone ‘versatile’ come in.

As it happens, we signed the centre half, the midfielder and the striker, and got two bonus signings as well. I call them bonus signings because of their situations – Santos, our new Brazilian left back, only became available because Fenerbahce are embroiled in a match-fixing scandal which has already seen them removed from the Champions League and may yet see them follow the Juventus route down to the second tier of their national league. Meanwhile, Benayoun is on loan, adding experience and a work ethic that will hopefully rub off on a few.

The other three were the key moves. From front to back, Chu Young Park is the South Korean captain, and had a decent goalscoring record in a relegated Monaco team last season. He is perhaps the most risky of the three, and has the issue of mandatory national service in two years (which we will pay an additional fee to Monaco for, if he avoids it, in one of the strangest clauses you’ll find), but with Chamakh so woefully out of form and Bendtner leaving on loan, we needed a forward, even as a stop gap. I suspect Walcott will still get his wish to play through the centre on occasion, particularly once Gervinho settles.

In midfield, Mikel Arteta needs no introduction, and comes with vast Premiership experience (in fact, he has played more games than anyone in our squad) – an ideal signing when you consider how light we were in that area. Since Cesc’s departure, Ramsey has been asked to fill the void, and it has appeared to weigh heavily on him – whereas he would previously keep things simple, he appears to believe that new responsibility comes with a requirement for Hollywood passes. Perhaps now he has support, he can go back to doing what he does best. Speaking of Cesc, if you think that losing him was bad for us, you have to feel for Everton a little – how must their fans be feeling today?

But for me, the best signing was at the back, all six foot six of Per Mertesacker, who at 26 has amassed a whopping 75 caps for a German side who aren’t half bad. Previously captain at Werder Bremen (in fact, four out of the five signings have captained club or country in the past), he comes with experience, leadership and size. Judging from Wilshere’s tweets last night, there is a much-needed new excitement around the squad, a welcome fillip after the weekend’s horror show.

Personally, I’m delighted with the business, if a little puzzled why it came so late. Santos is an exception – he only became available because of Fenerbahce’s plight, so he could not have arrived sooner, but what stopped us signing Park, for example? Monaco were relegated in May, he cost next to nothing, and yet we’ve waited until three weeks into the season to sign him. Strange indeed. Still, better late than never.

I actually find the day after the window closes as fascinating as those frantic last few hours, particularly when it comes to how people judge the activity. And the one conclusion I’ve come to is that people are spinning the transfers to whatever suits their own view, with an utter refusal to change their minds. The same moves have been called inspired in some quarters, panic buys in others. Some say they are exactly what we need, some say that they are lacking in quality.

A couple of these struck me today. Firstly, Eurosport ran a transfer deadline day rater, which actually seemed to include the few days leading up to last night. Every club was given a grade, and here are a couple of their examples:

Arsenal: C

The £10m Arteta deal rescued Arsenal, who otherwise underwhelmed in the quality of their purchases.

Underwhelmed? Okay, so apparently the current South Korean captain, the mainstay of the German defence (who, as I recall, hammered England in the World Cup), and the current Brazilian left back are underwhelming quality? I find this sort of comment staggering, and to be honest it smacks of a very typical British arrogance towards any other league in the world. Sure, Park may or may not click, but I’m willing to bet that most of these writers have never seen Santos play, and to dismiss a 26 year old with 75 caps for Germany is daft in the extreme.

But it continues. The BBC ran a report, having spoken to ‘respected’ site Le Grove (oxymoron?) and AST spokesman Tim Payton. Now, I know Tim divides opinion, but I actually have a lot of time for him – in his position he has to take a club-challenging view, otherwise he would be somewhat irrelevant and unable to garner reaction from within the club, so while some of those views rub people up the wrong way, I can entirely understand why he must have them – it isn’t a case of lacking support for the club, quite the contrary, he looks for things the club can improve on and talks about them, which sometimes makes him appear negative. Having said that, the article had him quoted as saying:

“Mertesacker is just a cheap Jagielka.”

Interestingly enough, that quote has since been removed, and replaced with something much more complimentary, so it appears that Tim may have set them straight, or perhaps the quote should have actually been attributed to someone else (it actually sounds like the sort of outlandish comment you’d read on Le Grove). As for the quote itself, do I really need to analyse it? Why not.

Phil Jagielka. 29 years old, 9 caps for an England side who have played approximately twenty central defenders in the last three years.

Per Mertesacker, 26 years old, 75 caps for a Germany side who have reached at least the semi final stage of the last three international tournaments. European experience.

It is entirely possible that Jagielka was originally higher up the list, but maybe that wasn’t a list of preference, but a list of realism – you would have thought it would be easier (and cheaper) to sign a decent player from massively indebted Everton, than Werder Bremen’s vastly experienced club captain and star defender. As it turned out, the German’s price was lower, which tells you everything you need to know about the English premium. Don’t even get me started on the £17m demanded for Gary Cahill, despite the solitary year remaining on his contract. Congratulations Bolton, you have just lost yourselves a fortune.

Going back to that Eurosport grading article from earlier, this will make you laugh.

Tottenham: A

Tottenham’s success in retaining Modric despite a £40m bid from Chelsea and their removal of Crouch, Jenas, Hutton and David Bentley represented a job well done for their astute manager.

I’m sorry, what? Frankly, I don’t see the sense in turning down a huge offer for a player who doesn’t appear to have the stones to do anything but sulk from this point forward – for everyone bemoaning the Cesc debacle this summer, Modric has behaved a hundred times worse. And this is the same site that claimed Arsenal losing Eboue, Denilson et al was an ‘exodus’. Interesting.

My point is this – Arsenal’s transfer business can be spun in a number of ways, and it seems that people are taking the deals, and exploring them in a way which allows them to further their own angle.

As for my opinion? Prior to this week, I think the summer had been handled horribly – sales dragged on too long, pre-season preparation was badly affected, and purchases were delayed to the point that we’ve started the season not so much on the back foot, but slammed against the wall. However, those final few days provided the results we so desperately craved. Better later than never, certainly.

At last, I’m looking forward to the next game. And that alone says a lot.

Man United 8-2 Arsenal – And to think it was four or five we feared

Arsenal News, Matches 10 Responses »

Aug 292011

I tried to write about the game in the immediate aftermath last night and got absolutely nowhere, but to be honest an extra 24 hours hasn’t made it make any more sense. You can be prepared for most things as a blogger – a close fought win, a thumping triumph, an unlucky defeat, a poor display, but now and then something extraordinary comes along and all of a sudden you’re lost for words.

Some days, the remarkable can be hugely enjoyable. The 7-0 triumph over Slavia Prague in 2007 was perhaps the most recent, such was the perfection of the display. But too often in the last couple of years, the freakish has been painful – losing a 4-2 lead to Spurs in injury time, failing to beat Liverpool despite a four goal Arshavin flurry, taking the lead in the 98th minute only to concede in the 102th, and then what we considered the nadir – blowing a four goal lead at Newcastle earlier in the year.

And then came yesterday. In fairness, the game itself arguably wasn’t the issue – it was the months that led up to it that laid the platform for the battering we all feared. I’ve never known so many nervous fans before a game, not because of a big occasion, but due to a feeling we all had that we could be in for an absolute hiding. Whatever we imagined, it was worse.

I’m not going to go through each of the individual goals – not only would that make the piece ridiculously long, but it seems churlish – no-one can take anything out of the game, not even the better performers (Szczesny was good, but conceding eight and having your goalkeeper play well is not a pleasant combination to consider). The problem was collective. Defensively we were an utter shambles, never more aptly demonstrated than Nani’s goal, one pass beating six defenders and leaving him with a ridiculous amount of time in the centre of the penalty area. Utterly crazy.

Yes, we were missing players, but so were they. To all those who bemoan the absences of Vermaelen and Sagna, undoubtedly our two most reliable defenders, you should consider that United were without their own prize central defensive pairing. The difference was they had reliable backup. When Danny Welbeck pulled his hamstring and was forced off, it was horribly ironic that the man who replaced him was Javier Hernandez, a superb striker bought for a pittance. Compare and contrast.

The facts are there for all to see. While Jenkinson was excellent in midweek, he is still incredibly raw, and we should only really be glimpsing him in the Carling Cup, purring at his promise. Instead, he is direct backup to both Sagna and Gibbs, a situation that means he will see a lot of action this season, too much in reality. Traore has been unrated within the club for a long time, and it said everything about our paucity of options that a man untrusted by his manager, and imminently moving to QPR, was thrust out there. Unsurprisingly, he looked like he didn’t care.

In the centre, Djourou continued his alarming decline, making the most basic of errors, and whilst Coquelin impressed in the holding role on debut, he is another who should be blooded in the first team in less exposed circumstances. Ironically, it was his substitution that acted as the catalyst for collapse – when Wenger took him off at 3-1, thrusting Oxlade-Chamberlain on (another debutant, it case you were counting), I feared the worst. Frankly, removing your defensive shield in front of a dysfunctional defence, no matter how raw, is suicidal, and without him we had nothing with which to repel to wave upon wave of United attack. It was depressing to watch.

Some are clinging to the silver lining that the result means the Arsenal hierarchy cannot ignore the problems any more. I’m not. Quite frankly, if the awareness wasn’t already there then we have even bigger problems – everyone else could see it long ago.

It is difficult to know how much can change in the next three days – in an ideal world we would get a central defender, a full back (preferably on the left), a creative central midfielder and a striker, all ready for first team action. That, combined with the return of a few players, would make our squad look competitive again. But not only is four signings remarkably unlikely, what damage has already been done, both for this season and the confidence of our young players? What of Jenkinson, a real talent, who was ruthlessly exposed and eventually sent off? What of Oxlade-Chamberlain, who ran around for half an hour, barely getting a touch, and seeing his side ship another five goals? What has it done to them?

Ten years ago, a 6-1 mauling at Old Trafford wrecked the career of the then-touted and now-maligned Igor Stepanovs. I would be surprised if this doesn’t have the same effect on someone.

But, we have to look forward. Roberto Martinez made a lot of sense on Match of the Day last night (yes, I put myself through it), talking about how clubs can recover from such a humiliation. And he should know – he sat in the dressing room after his Wigan side had shipped nine to Spurs a couple of years ago. He made the very good point that this is where you really learn about players – do they get angry and build something from nothing, ensuring that this is the rock bottom from which they climb? Or do they fall apart?

It can be mixed, but you learn nothing about players, or people, in the good times. You learn everything from situations like this. Let’s hope they react. Fast.

Arsenal weekend review – a satirist’s dream

Analysis, Arsenal News 12 Responses »

Aug 232011

Ten days into the season, and the ‘Arsenal in crisis’ stories have rarely been more prevalent. The opening exchanges of a new campaign have been, at best, fraught, and at worst, downright embarrassing.

Regular readers will know that I’m one of the most optimistic people out there (for example, I’d suggest that now is an excellent time to place a bet on us finishing in the top four – you’ll get good odds), but even I have to admit that the situation has progressed into the realms of the comical. Let’s just recap.

Three games gone – our major new signing, Gervinho, is one match into a three game suspension, Song is sitting on the sidelines for the same period while his impressive replacement, Frimpong, also misses our frankly frightening trip to Old Trafford. All banned. Alongside them, Wilshere hasn’t yet featured due to injury, Gibbs picked him his inevitable hamstring pull, Djourou followed after less than ten minutes on the field, and now Koscielny and Rosicky are also crocked. Add to that the Chamakh invisibility shield and Squillaci’s ~~absence due to be quite plainly awful and out of favour~~ ‘injury’, and the squad is looking staggeringly threadbare.

And I haven’t even mentioned the departures yet.

Back in March, we had a massive squad, and for once, they were largely fit. The bench was packed with talent, some getting increasingly frustrated with the lack of opportunities. Fast forward six months, and the inexperienced raw kids that you would want to see on a Carling Cup night have moved from the reserves, on to the bench, and then straight into our exposed team for vital early season clashes. Crazy doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Cesc, Nasri, Denilson (loan), Clichy, and Vela (loan) have gone, all players that played significant parts of last season. And behind them, JET, Randall and Traore (loan) have also been shunted out the exit door. Coming the other way, there is potential in Jenkinson, Miyaichi, Campbell and Oxlade-Chamberlain, but only the former has seen minutes so far and has, on occasion, looked as raw as you would expect a man so young to be. Only Gervinho has experience, and despite his early red card for slapping Joey Barton (frankly, I wish he had properly hit him, and he probably does too), he is at least a breath of fresh air. Relying on any of the others is as unfair on them as it is inevitable.

In the league, we have already paid a heavy price for the uncertainty around the squad. While we looked good defensively against Newcastle, we barely threatened, and that story was to repeat itself against Liverpool on Saturday, only for Ramsey’s freakish own goal to put the visitors in control, a lead they had never looked like gaining, but equally once ahead, one they were not going to let slip. Even the bright points were bittersweet – Frimpong was terrific but his sending off leaves us short of options for Old Trafford, while Nasri gave us a timely reminder of how good a player he can be before finally completing his move to Man City. A painful day all round.

The story in Europe is not as bad – despite a very impressive Udinese side coming to the Emirates looking for goals, they went away with nothing, leaving Walcott’s early strike the difference between the sides. Wilshere looks set to miss the second leg, but with the domestically suspended trio and Van Persie all available, we have a good chance of nicking the away goal that should send us through. And what a relief that would be.

However, even the silver lining of Europe has a cloud of frustration hanging over it, namely Wenger’s frankly nonsensical two match ban for ‘contravening the terms of his initial suspension’. Arsenal asked for clarity before the first leg, and were told by the UEFA delegate that Wenger could communicate with staff, but not be pitchside, in the dressing room or have any direct communication with the team until fifteen minutes after the final whistle. At half time, they changed their tune, saying he could not even communicate with staff, and despite him following that rule in the second period, they have still slapped him with a fine equal to one they often dish out for overt crowd racism, along with a two match suspension.

We should not be surprised, given Platini’s long standing feud with Wenger, but it still leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. They have spent the summer ignoring all forms of tapping up and financial irregularity, but have decreed this to be the hot topic that requires their attention. What a petty bunch of small minded morons.

Arsenal are appealing, but UEFA have already shown their hand by saying that the appeal will be heard after the second leg, during which Wenger will sit in the stands anyway. It is a farce no matter which way you look at it.

I have to say I’ve always found the concept of touchline bans odd. In what other profession could an organisation that is not the direct employer of an individual prevent them from walking into their place of work (owned by their employer, not the organisation), or even conversing with fellow employees? Just for laughs, I’d love to see it challenged in court – it is flimsier than Joey Barton’s conscience.

The only saving grace is that if this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, that this is the catalyst for a siege mentality within the club, then it might eventually be seen as a good thing. Because right now, it feels like a scriptwriter is taking the piss.

“We’re going to get someone goaded by Joey Barton into getting suspended. Which club shall we go for?”

“Make it Arsenal. And make it two players. Oh, and make sure one of the players is the only player available in that position. And if they find a decent kid to replace him the following game, get him sent off too.”

“Great idea. Now we need to throw in a string of injuries in someone’s backline. They all have to be innocuous – you know, a back seizing up when no-one is near the player, a few muscle pulls, that sort of thing. All have to be defenders from the same club, just to put the shits up them.”

“Oh, make that Arsenal too. Everyone says they need defenders anyway, might as well give them an excuse to trot that line out again.”

“Ooo, I’ve just had this hilarious own goal idea where a defender boots it against another one, and it loops in. That’d be BRILLIANT. Maybe we should give that one to…..”

“Arsenal. Definitely Arsenal. And make one of the players a replacement defender for all those you crocked earlier. The irony will be hilarious. The manager will be livid. Find a way to ban him too. Just for a giggle.”

It is the sort of situation we find highly amusing in other clubs, but it is painful to have it happen to our own. Of course, it is fixable – we are utterly flush with money after receiving enormous sums for Cesc and Nasri, and with Wenger promising to spend before the window shuts, he has to find the right people, and quickly. Frankly, paying a little over the odds is to be expected now – everyone knows we’re desperate and holding out for the best deals would be futile. Get them done.

But first, we have an enormous match to tackle. I’m not talking about United, a game I was writing off even before I saw that Howard Webb had been put in charge, but Udinese. Qualification for the Champions League would be an enormous boost, and would leave no reason for players not to join. The alternative is not worth contemplating.

Tomorrow is pivotal.